So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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