I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
