i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
