I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
