There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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