The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
