i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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