All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
