erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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