thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
