Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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