things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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