just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
