Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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