i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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