I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
