Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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