Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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