what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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