The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
This is the high leading the old right now
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
