this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
