what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
