I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Randomize
