You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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