the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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