Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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