Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
