I have demons in me.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
