she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
