the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
