he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
