I have demons in me.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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