1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
The struggles of a small town man whore
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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