Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
