I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
