I think my vagina is haunted
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
