i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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