just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
