my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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