not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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