ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
sarcasm needs its own font
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
