LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize