just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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