My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
