i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
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