Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
