When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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