shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
