anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
