my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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