Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
