I just threw up on my dentist
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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