I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
