saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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