you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
