So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
