why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
