Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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