The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
