I haven't been this sober since birth.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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