you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
