I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
