My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
