Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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